I've been feeling very conflicted the past few weeks. I feel like summer is FLYING by. Last weekend was the 4th of July and it feels like school just got out yesterday. We are going to Illinois this weekend for Reygan's birthday then off to Montana shortly after we get back. Part of me is like, "Slow the hell down, summer!" But then another part of me is feeling good about it going by fast. I think I've decided next summer I will be getting some sort of job. I feel like I have waaaay too much down time. It makes for a lot of boredom, and at times worry. I took my last Lexapro probably 3 weeks ago and since then it's been a roller coaster. Not an adult, big roller coaster, but at least a little one. Like at Camp Snoopy. For the first couple of weeks I had a lot of trouble with dizziness and weird heart flutters. I was weepy and worried I would feel bad again. Then most of last week was wonderful. The dizziness went away. I felt like myself again. Then things started feeling off again. I had a little panic attack one evening. I was excited to go celebrate the 4th with my family, but at the same time felt worried I was going to have negative emotions again. My therapist had said that if I felt persistent emotions that are not reflective of my environment I should take that as a sign I may need to go back on medication. I don't feel like that is the case. I would say 90% of the time everything is great. Then every now and then I feel a sense of sadness and worry that I'm not going to feel good. That I'm going to have anxiety. Or that I'm going to feel sad during a time I should feel happy. And then worrying and ruminating about it makes me frustrated. Sometimes it's a sadness that life is different now. Don't get me wrong I'm super happy with the life I have with Brian and my family and friends. But going to my parent's house; home doesn't feel like home anymore. This summer hasn't felt like summer to me. I wasn't as excited about the 4th of July as I usually get. Maybe it's just changing and getting older and life is going in a different direction. A good direction. But it's foreign, because it's new. It doesn't mean that I've lost my spark or my happiness. That I have a mental issue. It's just a new chapter and I need to embrace it.
I have so much to look forward to these next few weeks. Like I said we're going to Illinois then Montana. It's going to so fun. I get to see my best friends and my God daughter and her little brother. Then spend some quality time with the love of my life in a beautiful setting. No sense in ruining all that with worries of feeling bad when it is absolutely not going to happen. I need to remember to shake those negative thoughts whenever they pop up. I know that they tend to come around when I'm by myself or don't have much to occupy my time. If I know that then I should use my strategies to help. I can do it. I've done it before and I will get to a point where it is easier and I won't have to do it as often. I just have to keep working at it.
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