Keep Your Head Up

Trying to keep this in mind. Heard it on the radio today and it was a good message right when I needed it. I've been feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. Not nearly as many moments of worry and anxiety. I had a little moment this morning but it passed quickly, and I did fine the rest of the day. Did really well when I got home. Then Brian and I went shopping at Kohls and I had a thought that really frustrated me. I was looking at the fall decor which always gets me excited, and I smelled this yummy fall candle. Then, and I don't know why, I thought about dying again. Just that one day all of this will be over and I won't have Brian or my family or any of the other things that bring me happiness right now. And I've always believed in heaven and a life after this one and God's kingdom and all that. And I know that I still believe in that. So why does it make me so sad and scared when that thought pops in my head? I'm sure it's a normal thing to be sad about. But most people aren't plagued by thinking about it. Maybe it ties back to all of the deaths in my family when I was little. I don't know. I know it's the anxiety messing with my brain. I read this yesterday. My mom sent it to me. It sounds EXACTLY like me. But it doesn't make the thoughts any less sad or scary to me right now. I'm still "in it" right now. It was only about 20 minutes ago I had the thought. I know once it passes I will be fine. It will pass and I will go about my business and enjoy life. But when that thought is stuck it seems like it's all I can do but be in it and be scared and sad. But the blogging really does help. It helps to get it out and write what I'm feeling. I'm watching tv right now and getting ready to cut out some stuff for school. I have water bottles in the sink that I need to label with student's names. It's helping to focus on those things and be distracted from it. I know it will go away. I just have to ride it out. It's not forever. It's just going to take time.

Is there a word that means more than overwhelmed?

If so it would perfectly describe me right now. School starts a week from today and I'm in full crazy pants mode. Working my ass off to get "everything" ready before I have students. I say "everything" because there is no way any human being on the face of the earth could get EVERYTHING done before kids come. It's just not possible. You can get enough done. Enough to survive and figure out the rest. And the rest lasts forever. You are never, ever DONE. So yeah. I'm doing what I do every year. Freaking out while trying to remind myself that it's okay to start a little unprepared. No one will die.

I am also feeling slightly stressed out by wedding planning. I know we JUST got engaged and aren't getting married for a year and there's no rush. But we found a wedding venue we reeeeally like and before we can book it we have to make sure we can afford it. And before we make sure we can afford it we have to know how much we're going to spend on other things. And we have to call people and research and email to figure out how much things cost. So yeah. I'm trying to do too much. But on the bright side we have thought of many ways to save money including being our own DJ, ordering flowers at wholesale and doing the arrangements ourselves, getting a small cake for cutting and a sheet cake for serving (possibly from my friends aunt), and finding an inexpensive photographer (possibly from my friends church). So we're making progress. It's just hard to do at the same time you are getting a classroom ready in a new school, new grade, and new town!

And unfortunately I still can't seem to shake this anxiety. The past couple of days I've been plagued by scary, sad, and worrisome thoughts. I've been working really hard to fight them off. Perhaps too hard and that's why they won't go away. I was so bothered today I called Kim and left a message asking for an appointment and telling her I was considering going back on Lexapro. I've calmed down a bit since then and thought more. I think I jumped the gun on the whole gimme the drugs. I though about how I haven't blogged or exercised in awhile. Both things that help me be less anxious. I've also got a lot going on right now which can cause anxiety. I guess it's understandable. I had a helpful reminder today from a website my mom emailed me that anxiety plays tricks with your mind. These worries are just thoughts. They aren't going to happen. It doesn't mean there's more wrong with you or you're never going to get better or you're not the same person. Which are all things I've been thinking. I guess I just need a reality check/wake-up call every now and then. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. I'm getting my blog on, having a beer, and relaxing with my amazing fiance. Letting the stress and the worry go right now. Something I need to do more often!

Fresh Start

Today was my first day of New Staff Academy for my new teaching job and it could not have gone better. You could immediately sense during breakfast this morning how warm and welcoming my new district is. Every one was so kind and upbeat. All of the principals went around and introduced their new staff. And it wasn't just like, "Oh this is Sarah and she's teaching 3rd grade." It was a real introduction. Like your principal really knew you and you were being welcomed into the family with open arms. "This is Sarah Moore. She'll be teaching 3rd grade. She's from Lawrence. She graduated from KU. She has 3 years experience, and she recently got engaged!" How nice is that? The administrators talked about how there is no competition between schools. Everyone cares as much about the school down the road succeeding as they do their own. Principals led orientations on curriculum and instruction with as much knowledge and confidence as a veteran teacher/learning coach. I was super impressed. People joked and laughed and teased all day. It was fun! When I was working in my room the other day several teachers stopped by to introduce themselves and welcome me. All of them offered help if I needed anything. 

I never felt this level of warmth and friendliness while working in Lawrence. Sure my close friends from Kennedy were fantastic and I love them. But I never felt that during professional development or district meetings. There certainly was no sense of community among the schools. It was obvious there was competition.

I just feel so grateful for this new position. My district has a strong reputation for being one of the best in Kansas. Teaching jobs there are highly sought after. This year they had almost 800 applicants and only hired 30 or so new employees. I have high hopes for a bright future and a great time while working for Auburn Washburn. Feeling good and loving the possibilities. :o)

Summer Illness Sucks

Brian and I are sick. I'm sure it's from the drastic temperature changes we underwent going from home, to Montana, to back home. High in Glacier: 70. High in Lawrence: 93. Plus probably being on airplanes with nasty, germy people. I started feeling sick the day after we got back. Sore throat, headache, stuffy nose. Brian was feeling it yesterday. I'm doing a little better today, but Brian is worse. We've layed around all day and done practically nothing. I managed to get a little cleaning done. We are having people over tomorrow and I was not comfortable with having friends in our house in it's current state. I made some brownies using AB's cocoa brownie recipe. They turned out pretty good and will be gone before tomorrow I'm sure. I have had 2 and Brian has had a bite pretty much every time he's entered the kitchen. So yeah. They're half gone.

I'm hoping we're both feeling better by tomorrow. I want to hit up the farmer's market in the morning and get some yummy, fresh goodies to cook with next week. On a related not I also really want to go get our plants back. A friend of Brian's from work watched them for us while we are on vacation. We were going to get them sooner, but we got sick. I miss my tomatoes, peppers, onions and spices. I feel like a neglectful plant mother. I'm hoping we can do that tomorrow as well. I would also like to run to Walmart and get some things for my classroom. I really need some clear plastic tubs to use to organize my classroom library. They also have some great dorm stuff right now I would like to get for my reading area. Cool, fuzzy colored rugs and pillows and bean bag chairs. Starting next week I will be hitting it hard getting ready for the year. Working on my room, orientations, meetings and such.

Tomorrow evening we are having friends from KC over for a pre-engagement party, party. We're planning on going out to The Sandbar to celebrate. I also messaged some of my girls to see if they would come. I hope they do. I haven't seen them in forever and I miss them. Plus I want to show my ring off. ;o)

A couple of our boxes came back today! We shipped our camping gear to our friend Brett in Montana before our trip and shipped it back to ourselves when we left. One of the boxes contained a really cool Glacier National Park poster we bought while we were there. Luckily it was one of the boxes that came today! Here's a picture of it hanging on our living room wall. I think it looks great!

Ooooh! Fun and pretty!

I got bored and started fiddling around with my blog this afternoon. Sure I should have been uploading pictures from vacation, working on classroom stuff or cleaning the house, but meh, who cares? I think it looks pretty cool now! I didn't do anything too fancy. I just starting messing with settings I hadn't really messed with. It's not terribly personalized or amazing, but I like it for now.

I've been going through the pictures from vacation to upload to facebook. It is a TASK! I got rid of a few that were blurry or crooked or just looked bad. We still have 1,051. Yeesh. Here's one I came across that I forgot about that is really pretty!

I love how you can see the sun shining through the clouds. So beautiful!

Feeling Frustrated

So I've been doing really well since going off Lexapro for my anxiety. I haven't had any problems except for a couple of days before I start my period. I noticed this happened last month and again this month. I talked to Kim about it the other day and she suggested talking to my doctor about  switching birth control pills. I thought this seemed like a good, logical idea. I went to my doctor today for a physical for work and I wasn't very happy with what she had to say. Her suggestion was to not switch my birth control because it might mess up my cycle, give me cramps, and cause trouble with acne. She thought it would be a good idea to prescribe me Prozac to take just during the week before my period. I was NOT happy to hear this. I thought that she would be totally on board with switching my birth control. It seemed like the next logical step. Prozac seems drastic. I asked a lot of questions. I had a hard time when I first started Lexapro waiting for it to build up in my system. It made me feel weird and I don't want to feel that way again. I guess there is a possibility it could, but if that's the case then I don't have to take it. She wrote me a prescription for 20mg for 30 days. She wants me to try it during my next cycle and see if it helps. I called Brian, my mom, my friends, and Kim to get their opinion. Mixed reviews, but most say I should give it a try. I know that if I don't like it and it doesn't help I can look into switching birth control or something else. I just really don't want to be on anything, you know? And honestly these past 2 times I've had anxiety before my period sucked major bad while they were happening, but I got over it. I'm feeling great now. Aside from the stuffy nose and sore throat that I have recently acquired. I'm just feeling really frustrated with the whole situation. I guess the best thing I can do now is not think about it or worry about it until next month and only if I need it.

Gettin' Engaged in Glacier!

I'm back! As promised. And ready to share the story and pictures from when Brian popped the question as well as some pictures of the beautiful scenery we were so lucky to see! So first things first: The ring!

Not the greatest picture, but isn't it pretty?!? It's absolutely perfect! 1/2 a carat, solitaire, princess cut, white gold band. It was a little tight at first because my fingers were swollen from hiking, but now I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

It was July 20th, our 6th day at the park and our 3rd day at our second campsite at Rising Sun. We were going on a hike starting from Sun Point to see 3 waterfalls: Baring Falls, St. Mary Falls, and Virginia Falls. It was pretty dreary that day and and rained off an on. It was also kind of windy and cold. But I figured it would be worth it to have a nice hike and see some beautiful waterfalls. I had know clue what was about to happen.

We hiked along the trail and stopped at Baring Falls first. It was pretty cool, but kind of small so we didn't stay long. Here's a picture:

Nerves of steel that boy has. Who would have known he was an hour away from proposing. 

We hiked on and soon we approached St. Mary falls which was much larger and more impressive. Here's a picture of it! 

See what I mean? Gorgeous huh? 

As we took in the beauty of the falls and snapped a few pictures Brian suggested we sit for awhile on a nearby rock and enjoy the view. I agreed and scooted up beside him. He rested his head on my shoulder as he said, "I'm just going to put my head right here." I said, "okay," as I reached up to put my finger on the dimple on his chin like I often do. I said, "I'm just going to touch "my spot."" Right after I said this Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out this: 

He said, "How would you like it to be your spot forever?" At this point I was starting to think something big was about to happen, but was still very confused. I kept trying to ask, "What are you doing?" But all that would come out was, "Wah...wah...wah..." Brian pulled out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen from the bag and said, "Sarah Michelle Moore, will you marry me?" I finally able to speak and I spat out, "Are you serious right now?!?" Brian replied, "Yeah I'm serious!" And then I said, "Yes! Of course!" He put the ring on my finger and I bawled my eyes out.

We were able to ask a guy nearby to take our picture on the rock:

Not the most flattering photo, but who the hell cares?! 

Afterward we decided to skip the third waterfall and hike back. We were hungry and had to pee and we had just gotten freakin' engaged! I was so excited! I wanted to tell my mom and Kaleigh ASAP. Which wasn't very soon seeing as we had NO cell service. I was so excited to tell SOMEONE that I ended up telling the older couple camping across from us on the hike back! It was pretty funny! 

For the rest of the day I did a lot of this: 

And this.....

And this.....

And lets face it I'm still doing a lot of this.

Later that day I used a calling card to call my mom and Kaleigh from a pay phone to tell them the good news. Brian got both on video. Maybe I'll share those later. 

His proposal was everything I could of dreamed of. I was completely surprised, he asked me in front of a  beautiful waterfall, and I had no way to call anyone or Facebook right away. I was completely in the moment. 

Now we're back home and I've got wedding on the brain. I've been looking at The Knot and magazines getting all sorts of ideas. I even found a picture of a dress I like and want to try on! I know we've got awhile before we need to start working on wedding stuff. I really don't want to rush through our engagement, but I think we're looking at next August maybe. I'm sure you will read all about it on here! 

I will post more pictures of Glacier later, but I'd like to leave you with, what I think, is the prettiest one. 

Isn't the reflection on the water breath-taking?