Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Keep Your Head Up



Trying to keep this in mind. Heard it on the radio today and it was a good message right when I needed it. I've been feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. Not nearly as many moments of worry and anxiety. I had a little moment this morning but it passed quickly, and I did fine the rest of the day. Did really well when I got home. Then Brian and I went shopping at Kohls and I had a thought that really frustrated me. I was looking at the fall decor which always gets me excited, and I smelled this yummy fall candle. Then, and I don't know why, I thought about dying again. Just that one day all of this will be over and I won't have Brian or my family or any of the other things that bring me happiness right now. And I've always believed in heaven and a life after this one and God's kingdom and all that. And I know that I still believe in that. So why does it make me so sad and scared when that thought pops in my head? I'm sure it's a normal thing to be sad about. But most people aren't plagued by thinking about it. Maybe it ties back to all of the deaths in my family when I was little. I don't know. I know it's the anxiety messing with my brain. I read this yesterday. My mom sent it to me. It sounds EXACTLY like me. But it doesn't make the thoughts any less sad or scary to me right now. I'm still "in it" right now. It was only about 20 minutes ago I had the thought. I know once it passes I will be fine. It will pass and I will go about my business and enjoy life. But when that thought is stuck it seems like it's all I can do but be in it and be scared and sad. But the blogging really does help. It helps to get it out and write what I'm feeling. I'm watching tv right now and getting ready to cut out some stuff for school. I have water bottles in the sink that I need to label with student's names. It's helping to focus on those things and be distracted from it. I know it will go away. I just have to ride it out. It's not forever. It's just going to take time.

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