Round 2

I'm starting Lexapro again today. :o/ Not really sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I'm looking forward to feeling good again. It's worked well for me before and I know it will again. On the other hand it's frustrating that I'm not able to do it without pills. But. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not forever. It doesn't mean I'll be on pills the rest of my life or that I'll never get my anxiety under control enough to be drug free.

Last night was kind of the last straw as far as signs that I need meds goes. I called my friend Katie after my entry I put up last night. I was still feeling upset/unsettled/bothered by those scary thoughts. She is my go-to rational friend. We talked and she said a lot of things that make sense. Some things I had been thinking myself and that Kim had told me. I got more reassurance that my thoughts aren't abnormal. Everyone has them. But the obsessing over them isn't healthy, and I know that. After I got off the phone with Katie I felt better. I went to bed by myself (Brian was WOWing it up). I brought my laptop to watch some Glee and relax my mind before sleeping. And that's when things got worse. I don't know why but I started feeling really anxious and scared. I just kept feeling it building and building. I was starting to have more scary death thoughts to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep. I was feeling sooo tired, but I could not calm down. Brian came to bed and I lost it. Full blown, can't breath, hyperventilating anxiety attack. I had to take a clonazapam. I was really scared to. Brian had to get stern with me. I was afraid it would make me feel weird. Which is ridiculous because I already felt AWFUL. How could it get worse? I was finally able to calm down around midnight and sleep. Which really upset me because I knew it would make it harder to get up in the morning.

This morning I was still feeling upset and sad. I decided I would call my doctor's office and ask if they would need to see me for me to get more Lexapro. My nurse couldn't have been nicer. I cried when I was talking to her. I told her about what had been going on and she asked me if I thought I needed to go back to the Lexapro. I said I thought that would be best. And all she said was, "What pharmacy?" She said that she was sure I was stressed with school starting and a lot of other teachers were doing the same thing. She said it was going to be okay and it made me feel better.

The rest of the day wasn't bad. I kept busy doing stuff at work and meeting with my team. I went to cycling after work and that felt good. I did have some trouble with unwanted thoughts during class, but I was able to pep talk my self in the car and that helped. I'm going start taking my pills again before bed tonight. Hopefully they will kick these unwanted thoughts to the curb. I know the first 2 weeks are going to be rough. The side affects while it's building up in my system are uncomfortable. But it will be worth it if it works as well as it did last time. I'm feeling optimistic and knowing that any trouble I have is just temporary helping a lot.