Baby Fever

...Or actual fever?? Who knows. Still feeling craptastic today. On top of the coughing I now have a stuffy nose and my ears itch/ache like crazy! Haven't done much today. Did take a nice nap on the couch. Also did not get around to uploading pictures from the weekend. I know there's some cute ones on there of the babies. Which brings me to today's blog topic. Baby fever. I think I've got it. And it's no surprise. I'M SURROUNDED BY THEM! Everyone I know it seems has a baby or is getting ready to. Between friends and relatives there are babies every where I go. It's defiantly got me thinking about having kids. I guess I have always known that I want to be a mother. It probably started when my mom had Chris. I was 3 and of course loved being mommy's helper taking care of brother. I think being a teacher has, surprisingly, made me want kids as well.

Right now Brian and I are in the "seriously dating, living together, we're gonna get married, but just not engaged yet" stage of the relationship. We joke about having kids and say things like, "Oh we are so never doing that!" when we see poor parenting in public. For example, at the zoo this weekend, these parents had their kid on one of those leashes disguised as an animal backpack. And there was no missing him. He was screeching and wailing as he pulled, tugged, and jerked desperately trying to escape as his dad held on to the other end clearly stressed but trying to put on an "I totally have control of my child" face. Yeah. Not gonna happen. Anyway, we talk casually about one day having kids but have never seriously discussed it. This weekend after spending time with Kaleigh, Andrew, Reygan, and Jackson I started thinking about how much I'm looking forward to having a little family of our own. Doing fun things with our kids and watching them grow. So while laying on an air mattress in the Rider's living room I asked Brian, "I know we joke and stuff about having a baby, but what do you really think about it?" He took a moment and answered, "I'm not sure." I have to admit I was taken aback and started to get a little panicky. I had thought all along we were on the same page about children and now this "I'm not sure" response had me worried. I asked him what made him think he might not want kids. He said he just hadn't really thought about it much and didn't know. That's when I started really freaking out. If he's not sure about kids, what else is he not sure about? I thought we had the same ideas about this, what else am I wrong about? Although I didn't say anything he instantly sensed my uneasiness. He asked me, "How long have you been thinking about having kids?" I explained pretty much my whole life. Probably when my brother was born. He said, "Well I've been thinking about having kids for about as long as we've been together seriously." (We've been dating for almost a year and a half) I started to open my mouth to launch into a series of questions, but stopped to let what he was saying sink in. It really made sense. He's not a guy who makes decisions easily and I don't think most guys do really think about being a father until they are presented with the possibility. It's not like little girls. We are taught from a very early age about being a mommy. I understood what he was saying, but it still bothered me. I think he could still tell I was upset because then he said, " I am leaning toward having kids. It probably is what I want. I just haven't made a decision yet." And that did make me feel better. But I was still worried about the other big, important things we may not be on the same page about. So I brought it up and we agreed it would be best to talk about them. So we discussed getting married, where we will live, and other things. Thank God we agreed on all of those!

It's been a few days now and I'm still a little troubled by not knowing if Brian is going to want to start a family with me after we get married. I did mention to him that I would consider it a deal breaker if he didn't. I don't think he was surprised. I'm not trying to sound like one of those pathetic girls who swears she knows what her man wants and refuses to accept the truth, but I know he wants kids. Or that he will want kids. I think it's normal for a guy to not be able to say, "Yep I do" without going "Oh God, oh God, oh God!" a little on the inside when he's still young and not married yet. So I'm not going to stress about it. I know that he loves me and all of those things will come in time. When it's right. For now I will just have to remember to enjoy our life now. Be grateful for the freedom we have. Get as much snuggles, kisses, hugs and giggles out the babies in my life and be glad that when they cry or throw a fit, I can still give them back to their parents!