You know how when you were younger you would have a "milestone" moment in life that really taught you a lesson, but you didn't really realize you had learned something until you reflected on the event long after it happened? I'm beginning to think it doesn't really work that way anymore when you are a grown-up. Or at least that as been my experience this school year. I have learned so much this year about a lot of the shit you have to deal with in the workplace as an adult. Lessons about being a professional, and my career, and school politics that I sort of felt like I was naive to up until now. And I kinda feel like I am very aware of the lessons I'm learning in the moment. Rather than realizing it much later. I had a major lesson learning moment that hit me like a ton of bricks today. And in thinking about it I feel a little stupid about the whole thing. Like I've had a very "Pollyanna" view of things and wondering how I could be so simple.
This has been a kind of shit year as far as school years go. I went into the year really optimistic; considering I lost my job last year and I was just grateful to be back. But we've had so many changes at our school and so much drama that it's really stressed me out. To the point of having anxiety issues that I am still addressing. The most difficult change to get used to is our new principal. There been some pretty shady things going down as far as particular staff members being targeted and treated kind of unfairly. I, for the most part, have been treated fairly and have not suffered an of the injustices, so to speak, that others have suffered. But I still hold some animosity toward our principal cause some of those staff are my friends dammit! So now I'm in this position were I feel like I'm being sort of groomed and recruited to be on her team and I'm really struggling with it! I know "drinking the kool-aid" would be a safe choice because I could help me with the whole job security thing. I'm still not tenured and at risk of losing my job again due to budget cuts so being on her side wouldn't hurt. And I don't have any hard feelings toward her per-se. But I still have some guilty feelings about "going to the dark side" after what has happened to some of my friends. I know I need to look out for number one and I'm learning more and more everyday that this is how it works when you're an adult. Sometimes at your job you have to make compromises with what you believe in. That you have to play the game and fake it til you make it. I guess deep down I've always sort of understood this so I shouldn't be surprised when it smacks me in the face today, but dang it's kind of depressing!
I don't know if this is making any sense, but it's what I'm feeling right now. I love teaching. I love my students. I love my teacher friends. I love doing what I do. But I could definitely see this whole school politics thing driving people from the profession. It's probably my least favorite thing about teaching. Even more than grading papers.
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