Worry Wart

I have been a HUGE worry wart lately! Pretty much the past week. It seems like everything triggers me to worry. THEN I worry because I'm worrying. I've tried to chalk it up to lack of sleep, nasty cold, work stress, and all that. Which I'm sure plays a major role in it. I've had a lot of down time this weekend. No school Friday--cleaned and cooked for Brian to keep busy. Went to parent's on Saturday and Sunday to hang out---Brian's been at work a lot. Now today I have a personal day so I can go to the dr. at 10. I made the decision today to stop worrying so much. I just made a list of all the things I am worrying about. I went worry by worry and told myself why I shouldn't worry about that. Then I crossed them off one by one, tore the list up, and threw it away. I refuse to let my life be controlled by unreasonable worry. I read the chapter on anti rumination in The Depression Cure and I am trying some of those strategies. I've also been trying to list the positive things I have to look forward to so I can focus on that instead of the negative. Here's what I've been thinking of:
1. Babysitting Cam on Saturday
2. Date night surprise with Brian Sunday.
3. Brian will be less busy after this week.
4. Spring break is coming up and we are going to do fun stuff. (Chateau, visit Riders)
5. Spring is coming and there isn't much school left.
6. Chris and Jessica's wedding.
7. Spending time with friends at the Cold War Kids concert.
8. Vacation to Glacier National Park this summer.
9. Easter
10. Katie's wedding this summer.

See. There's 10 things to stay positive about. 10 things to think about instead of thinking about worrying. So. There we go. No more worry wart. Positive Polly. Possibilitarian. So ha!

Don't Be A Negative Nancy

I'm off school today. We had parent teacher conferences the past couple of days so we get Friday off! Unfortunately Brian still has to go in, and he's super busy right now so who knows when he'll be home. Over the past few days I've been feeling a little negative. Recently I've been doing a better job of feeling like myself, but since maybe Monday I've been feeling some of those negative thoughts creep back in. Wondering if I'm going to continue getting better. Wondering if I'm going to need a higher dose of Lexapro to get better. Being bummed that I'm on Lexapro at all. Fearing some of those scary side affects of the drugs again. I know that I need to try my hardest to push those negative thoughts away and focus on the positive, but they seem to keep creeping back in. I'm sure that it's because I've been having trouble sleeping and the stress of parent teacher conference week. I know that not every day is going to be as awesome and easy as they have been. And having one day where I don't feel 100% is no reason to let myself get out of control ruminating with negative thoughts. I started reading a book I borrowed from Kim called The Depression Cure. It outlines 6 lifestyle practices to help fight depression without medication. It can also help people with anxiety. They are: taking omega-3 fatty acid supplements (which I was doing but kinda stopped), anti rumination strategies (working on it), exercise (doing, but not consistently), light exposure (not on the regular), social support (doing good there), and sleep hygiene (been a struggle lately, but I'm working on it).   So far I've learned I need to work on getting all of these things going. The thought behind it is that people in the past and in present day primitive cultures didn't and don't suffer from depression. Their lifestyle allowed for all 6 of these elements which made them happier people. The pressures of our lives now don't really allow for these things to happen on a regular basis and that's why people get depressed. It makes sense, and it couldn't hurt to try it. So I'm reading the book and making more of an effort. I go to the Dr. Monday and we're going to talk about the Lexapro. I'm sure I'm going to continue using it at least until May. I'm going to make sure I tell her about how I've felt the past few days. That way if I do need to up my dosage she knows about it. Being home alone today is also making me feel a little wha-wha. Like worried that my negative thoughts are going to creep up and bother me all day. I know I have the power to make that not happen. So I'm trying to decide on a plan to keep them away. Anti rumination strategies right? I think I'm going to relax a bit longer, maybe watch Glee, and then spend the rest of the day doing something nice for Brian. The place is a mess and needs to be cleaned. I could go to the store and pick up some stuff to make him a nice dinner. He's working really hard right now and I know that he is stressed about getting things done in time. It would make me feel good to do something nice for him and help me keep my mind of of ruminating on negative thoughts. So that's my plan today. Keep busy doing stuff around the house. Reminding myself that I am a possibilitarian and I need to see the possibilities because they are always there.

10 Things I Like About Myself

1. I am a good cook.
2. I am funny.
3. I am good at doing my hair and makeup.
4. I am a good friend.
5. I am a good listener.
6. I am a good girlfriend.
7. I am responsible.
8. I am creative.
9. I am determined.
10. I am a possiblitarian.

Sleep deprived and skinny(er)

I'M SO TIREDDDDDDDDDDDD! A good night's sleep is hard to come by now a days. Between the meds, the stress, and general wackiness I am not sleeping well at all. Going to sleep is no problem it's the staying asleep that's the battle. But I must say, I make sleepy look good. Over the past month and a half I've lost 10 pounds! I think the trouble working up an appetite I was dealing with earlier kick started the whole thing, but the rest has been from exercise and eating healthier! I feel pretty good about it. I was able to buy jeans in a size smaller than I'd been wearing, and people have commented that I look thinner. I'm hoping to keep this pattern going and get down and into my "skinny jeans." I'd say another 20-30 pounds would be a good goal. I really love cycling so that will help. Just need to get back into Zumba when pilates is over. Also keeping up with watching what I eat. I got my eyes on some seriously cute outfits for spring that would look just that much better in a smaller size. Plus I know it will help me feel good; mentally and physically. Okay. Enough for today. I gotta get in the shower and get to bed. Here's hoping the melatonin doesn't make me feel weird and helps me sleep through the night! 

No Pilates Pilaf Monday!

I've been talking since Saturday about how I really should try to go to pilates tonight. I have parent teacher conferences Wednesday and Thursday so today and tomorrow are it for exercise! But sure enough I got off work, I went to the store, I came home and started on dinner and laundry, Brian came home, we continued cooking, and where did I NOT go? Pilates. 6:30 is just such an awkward time! I'm home. I'm settled. I'm cooking! I don't want to leave! Plus it is all the way out at Holcom! That's just so inconvenient! Not to mention it's date night on Monday. I want to spend time with Brian. I do not want to downward dog. I'm not that wild about the class either. Pilates is just too slow. Cycling yes. Zumba yes. Pilates meh. And my instructor is a little wacky. She's an over-sharer. This is what I know about her: she is divorced, she has scoliosis, she has another medical condition that requires her to take pills that sometimes make her fall asleep while her children and someone ELSE'S child are at her house, AND she's pregnant. Way more than anyone should know about their pilates instructor. Thus I did not go to pilates. And I'm pretty okay with that because I had a super delicious dinner that I cooked with an amazing guy and we're going to watch a movie and snuggle with dessert. Way better than pilates. See below for our yummy feast!

Foil Packet Tilapia
2 Tilapia fillets
Olive Oil
Lemon Pepper
Aluminum foil

I put the uncooked tilapia on one half of a small rectangle of foil. Drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with lemon pepper. Folded the other half of the foil over the fish. Rolled the sides up to seal. Baked in a 350 degree preheated oven for 15 minutes. So moist. So flaky. So delicious.


Foil Packet Green Beans
Fresh green beans (couple fists full)
Olive oil
Mrs. Dash (Lame, I know, but good!)

I cleaned and snapped the ends off the green beans. Put them in a bowl. Drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with Mrs. Dash. Tossed to coat. Placed the beans on foil like I did with the fish. Rolled the foil ends to seal. Baked in a 350 degree preheated oven for 15 minutes. Might have been better a bit longer. They were still a bit crispy. I like them that way but Brian likes them softer.

AB's Rice Pilaf (We're pretty big Good Eats fans in this house)

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1/2 onion, minced
• 1/2 red bell pepper, minced
• 2 pinches kosher salt
• 2 cups long grain rice
• 2 3/4 cups chicken broth
• 2 strips orange zest
• Pinch of saffron strands, steeped in 1/4 cup hot water
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 1/2 cups frozen peas, thawed
• Golden raisins and pistachios for garnish

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a heavy, wide, lidded pan, melt butter over medium-low heat. Add onion, red pepper, and kosher salt. Sweat the onions and peppers until aromatic, stirring constantly. Add the rice and stir to coat. Continue stirring until rice smells nutty. Add chicken broth, orange zest, saffron and water, and bay leaf. Bring to a boil. Stir once, then cover pan with moistened dish towel (or tea towel). Place lid on pan and fold towel corners over lid. Bake for 15 minutes. Then rest at room temperature for 10 to 20 minutes without removing the cover. Meanwhile, simmer peas in salted water until heated through or heat in a microwave. Remove lid from rice and turn out onto a platter. Add peas and fluff with a large fork. Add raisins and pistachios.

This was some of the best rice I have ever had! We omitted the saffron, peas, raisins, and  pistachios. But it was still delicious!


Overall I'd say No Pilates Pilaf Monday was a very good choice!

The things you do for love.

So tonight Brian was super stoked because I agreed to do something with him that I never, ever do. Something he and many men enjoy so much that the mere mention of it makes them giddy with excitement. He was so excited he'd been talking about it for days. It was the first thing he mentioned when he got home from work tonight. I too had been thinking about it all day, but not with the same excitement. I am not a woman that enjoys this activity. It's never really been my thing, and to be honesty, I think it's kinda weird. But I said I would do it. And if I am nothing else, I am a lady that sticks to her word. So tonight, to please my boyfriend, I agreed to play a zombie role-playing board game.
I knew when I got into this relationship that Brian was a card carrying, WOW playing, D and D participating, geek. And I love him for that. I however, am not any of those things. I have fought for months against participating in any sort of activity that involves me pretending to be an elf, or wizard, or dungeon master princess. There was one incident where he convinced me to allow him to show me for 20 minutes how to play WOW. I must admit-it did not go well. I listened half halfheartedly to his detailed explanations of how the game worked throwing in the occasional "uh-huh. oh. alright. that's cool." Until I got a phone call about 5 minutes in and conveniently disappeared for  about 15 minutes. Not my best awesome girlfriend moment, but in my defense the phone call was important, and I would really suck at WOW.
I was first exposed to the aforementioned zombie game last weekend at Brian's birthday party. He explained to me weeks earlier that he would be asking his best geek buddy Ryan to bring several "gateway" games to the party in hopes that I would enjoy them enough to eventually play D and D. At every mention of this I raised my eyebrows, shook my head, and said, "Sure, uh-huh." So during the party, we ate, we drank, we mingled, then came time for the zombies. I was really not excited. I really had no idea how the game was played and my head was filled with images of greasy, pizza faced, nerds sitting in their moms basement around a card table, donning wizard hats and elf ears exclaiming to their mates, "I just attacked you with a level 5 stunning spell! You cannot defeat me!" But despite my fears, there was no way of getting out of playing this game. And play I did. Sort of.
The game is called Last Night on Earth and the premise is heros vs. zombies. You choose a side to be on and play your character through every turn. Rolling die (or so I have learned D6) and drawing cards to determine your fate. The heros try to survive, the zombies try to kill. I was on the heros side. I rolled my die, I drew my cards. Never mind the fact that between turns I reclined on the couch and every time asked, "what am I supposed to do?" I'll have to admit, I wasn't the best sport. But I did it and I thought that was all that mattered.
So earlier this week when Brian asked me if I would play zombies with him again on Friday for date night I responded, "Sure! Of course honey!" All the while thinking, "Do I have to?" But when this evening rolled around I stepped up to the plate and kept my promise. And you know what? It was fun! I really stared to get into it. I was on the heros side again and I found myself being nervous for my characters and really wanting to win. I didn't win. And! I was really disappointed! So much so that I pouted a little!
So I guess what I've learned is even though you may have VERY different interests from your significant other, being a little open minded and trying some of the things they like isn't so bad. Even if it something you think you would never, ever do. You might even enjoy yourself. Now this doesn't mean you are going to catch me on WOW or at a Star Trek convention, but it's a start. Now if I could just get Brian to see the value in investing our time in expanding my wardrobe...

Funny Ladies

Tonight I'm going over to my friend Tracy's house to hang out with 4 of the funniest ladies I know. All of these women I've met while working at Kennedy and I can't imagine surviving my first 3 years of teaching without them. There's Pope who was my mentor during my first year. If you ever need someone to say something inappropriate and make everyone uncomfortable call Pope. There's Bonilla. Bonilla and I fell in love the fall/winter of my first year. We Tapped together every weekend and it was magical. Rubi-one of the realest people I know. You want honest advice? Ask Rubi. And Tracy. Tracy is a little bit hippie, a little bit rock and roll, and a whole lot of fun. I am so excited to spend the evening with these gals. We used to do stuff together all the time last school year, but since Pope moved to New York elementary and Kennedy has been shrouded with the black cloud of doom and gloom, we never have fun anymore. This is the first time since the summer we have all gotten together. It's going to be pretty tame tonight in comparison, but that's totally okay. As long as we get to hang out. It's been long over due for me. I haven't really done anything social for a loooonnnngggg time. I've hung out with my family and Brian's family, plus a few things we've done with Brian's friends, but it's not the same. I miss my fun lady bonding time. So I'm gonna go and have my fun lady bonding time and try to forget I have grade cards to do tomorrow. :o)

Whoops!

So I got my days mixed up when I double blogged yesterday. I was supposed to be blogging about fashion yesterday. I don't know how well I like this topical routine thingy. I might just rather blog about whatever I want to blog about at the time. A la personal journal/blog. But for now I'll stick to fashion, because that is what I would like to write about tonight in sort of a round-a-bout way.
I am so looking forward to spring. Spring means so many things for me that I am excited about. First of all no more coldness which is awesome. I hate winter and I am ready for warm sunny days, more sunlight, thunderstorms, and way less snow. Spring also means that much closer to this school year being over-which is good and bad. Good because this has been a ROUGH year and I am DONE, but bad because I may have to face the same challenges I faced last spring with budget cuts and possible non-renewal. But at least either way I would know. And knowing is always good. It could mean changes for the better. Warmer weather would also mean I could bust out my sun dresses and flip flops. No more movement restricting coats. Frolicking outside in my cute spring gear. Shopping for NEW cute spring gear. Maybe losing a few more lbs between now and then and getting some smaller sizes!
I'm continuing everyday to look for the possibilities and for me right now spring symbolizes possibilities. Possibilities for professional changes that could make me happier in my personal life. Because right now personal life is fan-freakin-tastic, except when professional life stresses me out to the point I'm having anxiety and not enjoying personal life. But isn't that the way it always goes. One area of you life is great while the other falls to shit. And really which is more important, a happy personal life or a happy professional life. I think I'd rather have a great family, boyfriend, and be generally content and have a crappy work life than the other way around. And honestly work could be a lot worse than what it is. I'm also looking forward to the possibilities of getting back to where I was in December. Being able to enjoy my life and handle challenges without the help of medication. I'm hoping this is just a little hiccup and once I get over this hump I will have moved on a better person from the lessons learned and everything will go back to normal. Nothing to do now, but wait for spring.

Double Blog

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was sorta busy so I didn't get around to blogging. So today I'm doing a double blog to make up for it. Yesterday was supposed to be food day and today is relationships so I'm going to combine both to talk about how wonderful my Valentine's Day was! Brian did an absolutely amazing job! When I got home from work I walked into the door to a beautiful vase full of purple flowers, a totally kick ass present, and a surprise dessert waiting in the fridge. We exchanged gifts; I got him a new pair of basketball shorts, a key chain, and some candy. He got me a totally awesome TGS hoodie (I'm a big 30 Rock fan) with a Liz Lemon quote on the back and some wine gums. We hung out at the house for a bit then headed to KC for the Fork and Screen showing of No Strings attached. It was awesome! The movie was great, Brian was great. When we got home I was sooo tired but it was time for my surprise dessert! Brian had taken the time to make these really cute mini heart shaped cheesecakes that he dyed pink. We only had a few bites because we were so stuffed and sleepy. All in all it was a fantastic Valentine's Day.
Today was a pretty good day. For the most part my kids behaved all right and it was a fairly stress free Tuesday. I did have a moment where I got a little down thinking about being on Lexapro. I have been feeling so great lately, and I'm really starting to feel like I did before this whole anxiety thing started. I was really enjoying it. But every now and then I remember the medication and it makes me feel like it's all fake. Like I'm not really this happy, it's the medication. I know that's not true. I know the medicine is just helping, not doing all the work. I went to cycling after work-which was kind of a hard work out. I don't know if it was that I hadn't been keeping up with my exercise the last few days or that I was tired, but it kicked my ass! Then Brian and I came home and fixed dinner and had some quality time. Now I'm watching Glee and contemplating cleaning up the dinner mess, taking a shower, and going to bed.
I"m still hoping this blog will eventually turn into something more than me narrating what is currently going on in my life. I hope to write about more interesting things and be more entertaining with my writing. I look to the things I'm reading on other blogs as inspiration for what to write about. For now this blog is just for me and I'm not too worried about what others will find interesting. I will get to that point eventually. Right now just taking it one day at a time, one thing at a time.

Friday I'm In Love

   So it's Friday, and Friday is supposed to be inspiration day. Today I am inspired by love. I'm feeling all lovey, because today is two of my most favorite people's birthdays. My wonderful, amazing, sweet boyfriend Brian, and my adorable, silly, and also amazing nephew Cameron. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life and I am especially thinking today how wonderful it is that they're in the world. There have been some things today that haven't gone so great. I'm still feeling sick, but came to work anyway because I was supposed to get observed by my principal. However, she is out sick today so has postponed unitl Monday. Valentine's Day. Which next to the day before Christmas break, the day before Spring break, and the last day of school is one of the craziest days of the year. I hope I survive. I also found out today that Brian had an issue with some work he had done yesterday on a project and will have to work late today. On his birthday. Super bummer. He also will have to work tomorrow which means all party preparations are on me. A few weeks ago I would have been fretting over this to the point of panic. But now I feel like I can handle it. I am continuing to be a possiblitarian. I am inspired by love. I am thinking about the positives. I am choosing to be happy, and it feels good.

Stressing

So today's post is supposed to be about something funny, but I am finding it difficult to be funny and think funny right now. I'm home sick with possible strep throat. Going to the doctor today to get checked. I was up at 4 (again) and feeling pretty crappy. Decided I wouldn't be going in today, and since I was already up went ahead and started on sub plans. Got those typed up, put in for an absence, and dozed a bit on the couch until Brian got up. I drove into school to make copies and get my stuff set out, and then came back to the cozy couch. I've been checking the sub website since I created the absence and no one has taken my job yet! I hate having to be gone from work for this very reason. All you do is worry! Worry about if sub plans are good enough. Worry about if the kids are behaving. Worry about someone taking your sub job! Ughhhhhhhh! I texted a co-worker that teaches title reading to see if she would watch my class if I don't get a sub. She sometimes does that when we have a teacher without a sub. She gladly accepted, but I'm still worried. And that is exactly what I'm supposed to NOT do! I've just started making progress getting over this anxiety and I'm going to work myself into a fit. Fan-freakin-tastic. I'm going to check the sub site again. Nope. Still nothing. Oh well. SOMEONE will watch my class. It will be fine. It does not mean I am a bad teacher/person/employee. Chill out.
    So something funny.....well it's Thursday. That is the night my favorites shows are on NBC. Especially 30 Rock. Big Tina Fey fan. So here's a link to one of my favorite 30 Rock/Liz Lemon moments. Cracks me up everytime:
 Liz Lemon breakin it down for Dr. Spaceman

Oh Liz...I love you!

okay, so...here we go.

     I guess I should start with why I'm doing this. I'm doing this for me. Because I need something for me. At least that's what my therapist says, and I think she's right. Because right now I do very little for just me. And I guess that's how I got here. In this spot. With this anxiety. Though it's getting better. And this will help. I hope.
    My plan is to take some time every day to write in this blog for just me. About things that are important to me. That make me feel good. And eventually someday share it. The only thing is I can't worry about if people will like it or laugh at it or think it's good. That's part of the rules. Because that's part of the problem. Too much worrying about approval. And this is mine. So it doesn't matter.
   I've decided on a bit of a schedule to help me start out. Since I've never done this before. Everyday will focus on something different that is important to me or that I enjoy. On Mondays it will be food and cooking. Tuesdays will be fashion and shopping. Wednesdays will be about my relationships with friends, family, etc. Thursdays I will try to share something funny. Fridays will be about something inspirational. I'm sure at some points things will blend and overlap, but that's okay too.
    So. Since it's Wednesday I guess I should do relationships. For this Wednesday I'd like to talk about my relationship with myself. Particularly, with myself tonight.
  I was supposed to got to Pilates tonight at 6:30 and I didn't. I have a sore throat and feel like I am getting sick. Plus I am still sore from Monday. In the past I have blown off exercise for something more pleasant without a second thought. But for some reason now I feel really guilty. I think it's because over this past month with the recent anxiety struggles I've some how gotten it in my head about what I "should" be doing in order to get better. I know exercise helps with anxiety so that is one of my "should do" things. It's a form of self-care I'm "supposed" to be indulging in. But...like I said. I don't feel well. It's warm and cozy at home. And Brian (boyfriend) and I were making bierocks. Plus I'm not that wild about pilates. So I kinda started beating myself up about it. But then I thought more about what self-care is and what that means. It means taking care of yourself. And exercise isn't the only way to do that. I'm starting to feel sick. I should take care of myself. Brian and I don't get to cook much together anymore and I enjoy doing that. I would be caring for myself by indulging in something I enjoy. So just because I didn't go to pilates doesn't mean I'm not caring for myself. But it sure did make me aware of the whole what I "should" be doing mentality Kim (therapist) has been talking to me about. What I guess I'm trying to say is I learned something about myself: I do create images/thoughts in my head of what I "should" do/be/ and self-care choice is not something I should be so critical of.
  So there's my thoughts for today. I don't know if what I wrote is very good or if anyone would enjoy reading it, but like I said, it doesn't matter. It's for me. I'm sure my writing will get more interesting and more developed as I go, but for now this is good enough. I'm supposed to be looking for the possibilities, and right now I see possibilities for this blog. I can see how taking time everyday to write something for myself alone I can and will get through this.