Birthday Week! :D

Friday is my birthday! I'll be 27. Only 3 years to 30 now! Yikes! I'm excited because my birthday falls on labor day weekend this year so I have 3 whole days to celebrate. I don't know what we're doing yet on my actual birthday. I told Brian to surprise me so we'll see. Saturday or Sunday we'll be going out on the boat to enjoy what is hopefully the last of the warm weather. Then Saturday evening my family will be coming out to Lawrence to go out to dinner.

I was at Target today and decided what I want for my present. A Target shopping spree. They have the cutest stuff out for fall. I saw dresses, cardigans and leggings oh my! Not to mention the cute purses and shoes. So if anybody wants to send me shopping at Target this year send those gift cards my way!

I was also looking into birthday treats today. Since I'll be working on my birthday I thought I would bring treats to school. I've done cake pops for my students a couple of  times and I was thinking of doing it again. I love owls and I have an owl theme in my classroom this year so I thought I might try my hand at that. I found this and it looks possible. A bit time consuming and challenging (and probably pricy to go by all the supplies) but I thought I might give it a shot. I'll post pictures when/if I finish them.

Not for those with a weak stomach.

Okay so let me preface this with a disclaimer. If you are grossed out by poop in any way do not read any further.


This is what happened. I came home from work and Brian was cooking dinner. I jumped in and started helping. While everything was cooking I had to pee. I go to the bathroom, lift the toilet lid only to be greeted by the biggest, nastiest turd I have ever seen in my life. I immediately blamed Brian. The conversation went a little like this.
Sarah: Briannnnn!!
Brian: What?!
Sarah: You left a nasty turd in the toilet!
Brian: No I didn't! I haven't pooped today.
Sarah: Well I didn't do it.
Brian: I don't know what to tell you.
Sarah: Who the hell shit in our toilet?!
Brian: I don't know! Maybe it was a maintenance man?
Sarah: A maintenance man? Well that's not okay.
Brian: What do you mean?
Sarah: I mean that's not okay. You can't just come into someone's house. Shit in their toilet and leave it. They didn't even use toilet paper.
Brian: Oh well.
Sarah: I'm tempted to call management.
Brian: You will sound crazy if you call management.

So here's what I want to know. Will I? Will I sound crazy? Am I right? That's so not okay! You can't just do that. Oh and it's bad. There are marks all over the inside of the bowl. Not cool.

Perfect Pants!

I'm excited! I found my pants! Years ago I bought a pair of the most perfect dress pants to wear for practicums for school. They really are perfect. They sit just right on my waist, no gapping in the back, not too tight in the hips, long, but not so long I'm walking on them in flats, a beautiful shade of charcoal gray. Perfect. Every dress pant I have tried on since just doesn't make the cut. They are my only pair of dress pants. Which was fine at my last job because we could wear jeans everyday if we wanted. But now jeans are only allowed 15 days of the school year. So I needed some more pants. I have plenty of dresses, but I can't wear dresses everyday. Yesterday I was at Old Navy (usually my go to store for everything) looking for dress pants and of course I was disappointed and found nothing. Weird fabric. Too low rise. Too narrow in the hips. So today I decided to google the brand of my perfect pants to see what I could find. Why I'd never done this before, I don't know. And guess what?! I found them! They're called Rafaella.  And wouldn't you know it, their facebook page says they are known for their Perfect Fitting Pant! Unfortunately you can't order from their website, but I did find a department store on the east coast that sells them! I ordered 2 pairs! Yay new pants!

On an unrelated note: Brian and I are going to meet with a photographer today about wedding photos. Her dad works with my dad and she does photography on the side. I guess it's her passion and she really wanted to go to some fancy photography school but it was too expensive. She's only going to charge us $300! We're going to look at her portfolio and see if she's any good! Wish us luck!

Ah the good ol' days...

I'm watching America's Next Top Model right now for the first time in probably 5 or 6 years. I used to watch it ALL THE TIME with my best friend/roommates in college. I'm delighted to find the show hasn't changed much. Cat fights, weird photo shoots, crazy ass Tyra. Makes me nostalgic for the days of lounging in the living room; me on the loveseat, Kaleigh on the couch. Katie, Mara, Adrienne, Andrew, Jordan streaming in and out all day. Us only changing positions to pee, answer the door when the delivery guy arrived and eat. It was a good life. Now Kaleigh's in Illinois with a husband, 2 kids, endless craft projects, a house to care for, and a job. I'm in Lawrence with a fiance to feed, an apartment to keep clean, a wedding to plan, and 18 kids to take care of. Busy lives we lead. I love life now and I know Kaleigh does too, but I know we both wouldn't mind a day or two of all day Top Model and take out.

Back to school!

Today was my first day with kids at my new school! It went pretty well. I still don't feel like I have a good understanding of the ins and outs, but that's to be expected and will come with time. It made for kind of a weird, "What do I do next?" feeling all day. My kids are pretty good. Chatty, but they seem eager to please. I know some of them are going to be a challenge academically, and possibly behaviorally, but I think it will be a good year. I have 18 in my class right now. Almost equal boys and girls. Only one didn't come today. My classroom is super nice and looks pretty good if I do say so myself! I keep meaning to take pictures, but I get so busy I always forget. I'll try to remember tomorrow.

The one thing that kinda sucks about my new job, aside from having to learn a new building, is the drive. It takes about 50 minutes to get from our apartment to my school. It's not bad in the morning. It gives me time to think and get prepared. But coming home is hard. It takes too long, and when we have things to do in the evening and dinner to cook it seems like we're eating late. I guess it's just a new routine I will have to get used to. Even now it's almost 7:30 and we are still waiting on dinner to cook. I guess I will have to start looking for more make ahead, quick, and slow cooker recipes. If you have any suggestions send em my way!

It's that time again!

School starts Tuesday.!.! I have periods and exclamation points because I'm not sure of the feelings behind that statement. I am exited. I love my new school and my 3rd grade team. I'm excited to meet my students and I LOVE school. But the end of summer is always bitter sweet. No more lazing, no more staying up late, no more sleeping in. Time for long days, short nights, and being busy, busy, busy. And I think this year might be the busiest of them all. My plan is to take it slow and ease in. It is my first year at a new school and a new grade. However. This school and district is sooo different from what I'm used to. In a good way! But I do think I'm going to be working harder here than I ever have before. Which I think will be a challenge but also very professionally satisfying.

In a health update I've been feeling really good the past few days. Brian and I went out to Clinton lake yesterday and kayaked. It was a lot of fun! The weather was gorgeous and the water felt wonderful. We camped out there last night too. My parents and my sister came out and we boated a little. Then Brian's folks came out and we met up at the campsite. It was the first time our families had met and I think it went really well! We made a brisket and a blueberry pie in the dutch oven. Our families brought sides and we had a nice little picnic. Then today I went out to the pool with my family. It was awesome because I got to spend time with my little Cam Bam! And through all of this I have had next to no anxiety and very few worrisome thoughts. I haven't been really experiencing the dizziness from the Lexapro like I did before. Maybe I won't get the side effects this time. That would be great. I think going back on the Lexapro was a good choice. I think it's just what I need right now. We'll see how I'm doing in a few months and try going off again.

Tomorrow is Back to School night. The kids will be coming in with all of their supplies. It's early to bed for me! I have til 4 tomorrow to get everything ready. Wish me luck!

Round 2

I'm starting Lexapro again today. :o/ Not really sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I'm looking forward to feeling good again. It's worked well for me before and I know it will again. On the other hand it's frustrating that I'm not able to do it without pills. But. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not forever. It doesn't mean I'll be on pills the rest of my life or that I'll never get my anxiety under control enough to be drug free.

Last night was kind of the last straw as far as signs that I need meds goes. I called my friend Katie after my entry I put up last night. I was still feeling upset/unsettled/bothered by those scary thoughts. She is my go-to rational friend. We talked and she said a lot of things that make sense. Some things I had been thinking myself and that Kim had told me. I got more reassurance that my thoughts aren't abnormal. Everyone has them. But the obsessing over them isn't healthy, and I know that. After I got off the phone with Katie I felt better. I went to bed by myself (Brian was WOWing it up). I brought my laptop to watch some Glee and relax my mind before sleeping. And that's when things got worse. I don't know why but I started feeling really anxious and scared. I just kept feeling it building and building. I was starting to have more scary death thoughts to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep. I was feeling sooo tired, but I could not calm down. Brian came to bed and I lost it. Full blown, can't breath, hyperventilating anxiety attack. I had to take a clonazapam. I was really scared to. Brian had to get stern with me. I was afraid it would make me feel weird. Which is ridiculous because I already felt AWFUL. How could it get worse? I was finally able to calm down around midnight and sleep. Which really upset me because I knew it would make it harder to get up in the morning.

This morning I was still feeling upset and sad. I decided I would call my doctor's office and ask if they would need to see me for me to get more Lexapro. My nurse couldn't have been nicer. I cried when I was talking to her. I told her about what had been going on and she asked me if I thought I needed to go back to the Lexapro. I said I thought that would be best. And all she said was, "What pharmacy?" She said that she was sure I was stressed with school starting and a lot of other teachers were doing the same thing. She said it was going to be okay and it made me feel better.

The rest of the day wasn't bad. I kept busy doing stuff at work and meeting with my team. I went to cycling after work and that felt good. I did have some trouble with unwanted thoughts during class, but I was able to pep talk my self in the car and that helped. I'm going start taking my pills again before bed tonight. Hopefully they will kick these unwanted thoughts to the curb. I know the first 2 weeks are going to be rough. The side affects while it's building up in my system are uncomfortable. But it will be worth it if it works as well as it did last time. I'm feeling optimistic and knowing that any trouble I have is just temporary helping a lot.  

Keep Your Head Up

Trying to keep this in mind. Heard it on the radio today and it was a good message right when I needed it. I've been feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday. Not nearly as many moments of worry and anxiety. I had a little moment this morning but it passed quickly, and I did fine the rest of the day. Did really well when I got home. Then Brian and I went shopping at Kohls and I had a thought that really frustrated me. I was looking at the fall decor which always gets me excited, and I smelled this yummy fall candle. Then, and I don't know why, I thought about dying again. Just that one day all of this will be over and I won't have Brian or my family or any of the other things that bring me happiness right now. And I've always believed in heaven and a life after this one and God's kingdom and all that. And I know that I still believe in that. So why does it make me so sad and scared when that thought pops in my head? I'm sure it's a normal thing to be sad about. But most people aren't plagued by thinking about it. Maybe it ties back to all of the deaths in my family when I was little. I don't know. I know it's the anxiety messing with my brain. I read this yesterday. My mom sent it to me. It sounds EXACTLY like me. But it doesn't make the thoughts any less sad or scary to me right now. I'm still "in it" right now. It was only about 20 minutes ago I had the thought. I know once it passes I will be fine. It will pass and I will go about my business and enjoy life. But when that thought is stuck it seems like it's all I can do but be in it and be scared and sad. But the blogging really does help. It helps to get it out and write what I'm feeling. I'm watching tv right now and getting ready to cut out some stuff for school. I have water bottles in the sink that I need to label with student's names. It's helping to focus on those things and be distracted from it. I know it will go away. I just have to ride it out. It's not forever. It's just going to take time.

Is there a word that means more than overwhelmed?

If so it would perfectly describe me right now. School starts a week from today and I'm in full crazy pants mode. Working my ass off to get "everything" ready before I have students. I say "everything" because there is no way any human being on the face of the earth could get EVERYTHING done before kids come. It's just not possible. You can get enough done. Enough to survive and figure out the rest. And the rest lasts forever. You are never, ever DONE. So yeah. I'm doing what I do every year. Freaking out while trying to remind myself that it's okay to start a little unprepared. No one will die.

I am also feeling slightly stressed out by wedding planning. I know we JUST got engaged and aren't getting married for a year and there's no rush. But we found a wedding venue we reeeeally like and before we can book it we have to make sure we can afford it. And before we make sure we can afford it we have to know how much we're going to spend on other things. And we have to call people and research and email to figure out how much things cost. So yeah. I'm trying to do too much. But on the bright side we have thought of many ways to save money including being our own DJ, ordering flowers at wholesale and doing the arrangements ourselves, getting a small cake for cutting and a sheet cake for serving (possibly from my friends aunt), and finding an inexpensive photographer (possibly from my friends church). So we're making progress. It's just hard to do at the same time you are getting a classroom ready in a new school, new grade, and new town!

And unfortunately I still can't seem to shake this anxiety. The past couple of days I've been plagued by scary, sad, and worrisome thoughts. I've been working really hard to fight them off. Perhaps too hard and that's why they won't go away. I was so bothered today I called Kim and left a message asking for an appointment and telling her I was considering going back on Lexapro. I've calmed down a bit since then and thought more. I think I jumped the gun on the whole gimme the drugs. I though about how I haven't blogged or exercised in awhile. Both things that help me be less anxious. I've also got a lot going on right now which can cause anxiety. I guess it's understandable. I had a helpful reminder today from a website my mom emailed me that anxiety plays tricks with your mind. These worries are just thoughts. They aren't going to happen. It doesn't mean there's more wrong with you or you're never going to get better or you're not the same person. Which are all things I've been thinking. I guess I just need a reality check/wake-up call every now and then. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. I'm getting my blog on, having a beer, and relaxing with my amazing fiance. Letting the stress and the worry go right now. Something I need to do more often!

Fresh Start

Today was my first day of New Staff Academy for my new teaching job and it could not have gone better. You could immediately sense during breakfast this morning how warm and welcoming my new district is. Every one was so kind and upbeat. All of the principals went around and introduced their new staff. And it wasn't just like, "Oh this is Sarah and she's teaching 3rd grade." It was a real introduction. Like your principal really knew you and you were being welcomed into the family with open arms. "This is Sarah Moore. She'll be teaching 3rd grade. She's from Lawrence. She graduated from KU. She has 3 years experience, and she recently got engaged!" How nice is that? The administrators talked about how there is no competition between schools. Everyone cares as much about the school down the road succeeding as they do their own. Principals led orientations on curriculum and instruction with as much knowledge and confidence as a veteran teacher/learning coach. I was super impressed. People joked and laughed and teased all day. It was fun! When I was working in my room the other day several teachers stopped by to introduce themselves and welcome me. All of them offered help if I needed anything. 

I never felt this level of warmth and friendliness while working in Lawrence. Sure my close friends from Kennedy were fantastic and I love them. But I never felt that during professional development or district meetings. There certainly was no sense of community among the schools. It was obvious there was competition.

I just feel so grateful for this new position. My district has a strong reputation for being one of the best in Kansas. Teaching jobs there are highly sought after. This year they had almost 800 applicants and only hired 30 or so new employees. I have high hopes for a bright future and a great time while working for Auburn Washburn. Feeling good and loving the possibilities. :o)