Spring breakin' it down.

Whew! What a fun weekend! Brian and I went out to Illinois to visit the Rider's. We went to the zoo and the science center and watched the Jayhawks victory. It was fabulous! I'm so glad I got to spend some time with my besties and see little Jackson and big girl Reygan. I wish I could see them more often! Other than having to leave, the only downside to the weekend was this stupid, barking cough! It showed up Sunday and has not left. No fun. No fun at all. So here I am on spring break and feeling kinda poopy. Nothing too exciting planned for the rest of the week. Going to try to get into the eye doctor and dentist. Probably get a mani/pedi and hang with some friends. Of course we have the Sweet 16 starting Thursday! Exciting stuff.

Going to work on uploading some pictures from the weekend. I will try to remember to put them up tomorrow!

I've got the Madness!

I love March! Spring break, St. Patrick's Day, daylight savings, but most of all basketball. I freakin' love NCAA basketball. I don't think you can legally claim to be a Kansan and not love NCAA basketball. I love my Jayhawks and when the Madness starts you can bet I am glued to CBS sports and ESPN.com. That is until the Jayhawks are out. Then I kinda lose interest. But right now I'm all about the tourney. So far my bracket its doing okay. I'm out on the same 2 upsets I'm sure nearly everyone is out on: Louisville and Vandy. Hopefully we won't have too many more that mess up my bracket. Our first game isn't until tomorrow evening. Unfortunately it will be on TBS and we don't have cable. We haven't made watching plans yet. Probably online or go to Jack's. I'm hoping we can do it. We're playing another damn B team (Boston U.) That has not boded well for us in the past. Bucknell, Bradley, Baylor. The curse of the B's! I think we'll be okay though. I'm really excited to cheer for the Crimson and Blue! Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

Spring Fever

I have to say I'm really digging Old Navy's trends we love  right now. I feel like most of the time it's pretty hit or miss when they come out with new season stuff but this spring is adorable!


 One of my favorite looks is from their boho chic section. I love the feminine, floral dressed with the moto jacket. And the color combo is great!



















I'm also a big fan of the boyfriend cardigan. I've had a black one that came out a few years ago that I've worn ragged! Brian keeps insisting that if I make him throw holey jeans away he can make me throw holey cardigans away. I never fail to point out that I can sew the holes in my cardigans. We can only patch his jeans and that looks stupid. I'm a little disappointed in the limited color choice but both of these are pretty.

As of my most recent trip to Old Navy I have added this and this to my wardrobe. I'm thinking I could put some of that tax money by adding this

   

And maybe this

You can never have too many sundresses and cardigans. ;o)

TIRED!!!!!!

Man I want some quality sleep. I want to sleep so hard I do this. Yeah. That hard. I'm gonna go work on that now.

I need a hobby....

Blogging was supposed to be my hobby. I feel like lately it's turned into a forum for which I use to whine. And complain. And type out my anxious thoughts. Which I guess is sort of good. It's an outlet. It's like a journal. I guess. But I wanted it to turn into something more creative. More expressive. Something that people would eventually want to read. I did that once. Now I'm kind of sinking into a rut. So I'm thinking in addition to the blog I need a hobby. Something to do with my time in the evenings. I mean Brian and I hang out. There's tv to watch, books to read, internets to surf, dinner to cook, dishes to do, laundry to clean, etc. But that's pretty much all I do. I don't have a regular evening activity. I have my exercise classes. But I've kinda been slacking there. Keeping up good with cycling. Pilates not so much. I'll fix that at the end of the month. Anyway...I don't know what I would do for a hobby. Maybe photography. Once the weather is nicer and it's lighter later. Maybe....something crafty?? Or a project...Decisions, decisions....

Worry Wart

I have been a HUGE worry wart lately! Pretty much the past week. It seems like everything triggers me to worry. THEN I worry because I'm worrying. I've tried to chalk it up to lack of sleep, nasty cold, work stress, and all that. Which I'm sure plays a major role in it. I've had a lot of down time this weekend. No school Friday--cleaned and cooked for Brian to keep busy. Went to parent's on Saturday and Sunday to hang out---Brian's been at work a lot. Now today I have a personal day so I can go to the dr. at 10. I made the decision today to stop worrying so much. I just made a list of all the things I am worrying about. I went worry by worry and told myself why I shouldn't worry about that. Then I crossed them off one by one, tore the list up, and threw it away. I refuse to let my life be controlled by unreasonable worry. I read the chapter on anti rumination in The Depression Cure and I am trying some of those strategies. I've also been trying to list the positive things I have to look forward to so I can focus on that instead of the negative. Here's what I've been thinking of:
1. Babysitting Cam on Saturday
2. Date night surprise with Brian Sunday.
3. Brian will be less busy after this week.
4. Spring break is coming up and we are going to do fun stuff. (Chateau, visit Riders)
5. Spring is coming and there isn't much school left.
6. Chris and Jessica's wedding.
7. Spending time with friends at the Cold War Kids concert.
8. Vacation to Glacier National Park this summer.
9. Easter
10. Katie's wedding this summer.

See. There's 10 things to stay positive about. 10 things to think about instead of thinking about worrying. So. There we go. No more worry wart. Positive Polly. Possibilitarian. So ha!

Don't Be A Negative Nancy

I'm off school today. We had parent teacher conferences the past couple of days so we get Friday off! Unfortunately Brian still has to go in, and he's super busy right now so who knows when he'll be home. Over the past few days I've been feeling a little negative. Recently I've been doing a better job of feeling like myself, but since maybe Monday I've been feeling some of those negative thoughts creep back in. Wondering if I'm going to continue getting better. Wondering if I'm going to need a higher dose of Lexapro to get better. Being bummed that I'm on Lexapro at all. Fearing some of those scary side affects of the drugs again. I know that I need to try my hardest to push those negative thoughts away and focus on the positive, but they seem to keep creeping back in. I'm sure that it's because I've been having trouble sleeping and the stress of parent teacher conference week. I know that not every day is going to be as awesome and easy as they have been. And having one day where I don't feel 100% is no reason to let myself get out of control ruminating with negative thoughts. I started reading a book I borrowed from Kim called The Depression Cure. It outlines 6 lifestyle practices to help fight depression without medication. It can also help people with anxiety. They are: taking omega-3 fatty acid supplements (which I was doing but kinda stopped), anti rumination strategies (working on it), exercise (doing, but not consistently), light exposure (not on the regular), social support (doing good there), and sleep hygiene (been a struggle lately, but I'm working on it).   So far I've learned I need to work on getting all of these things going. The thought behind it is that people in the past and in present day primitive cultures didn't and don't suffer from depression. Their lifestyle allowed for all 6 of these elements which made them happier people. The pressures of our lives now don't really allow for these things to happen on a regular basis and that's why people get depressed. It makes sense, and it couldn't hurt to try it. So I'm reading the book and making more of an effort. I go to the Dr. Monday and we're going to talk about the Lexapro. I'm sure I'm going to continue using it at least until May. I'm going to make sure I tell her about how I've felt the past few days. That way if I do need to up my dosage she knows about it. Being home alone today is also making me feel a little wha-wha. Like worried that my negative thoughts are going to creep up and bother me all day. I know I have the power to make that not happen. So I'm trying to decide on a plan to keep them away. Anti rumination strategies right? I think I'm going to relax a bit longer, maybe watch Glee, and then spend the rest of the day doing something nice for Brian. The place is a mess and needs to be cleaned. I could go to the store and pick up some stuff to make him a nice dinner. He's working really hard right now and I know that he is stressed about getting things done in time. It would make me feel good to do something nice for him and help me keep my mind of of ruminating on negative thoughts. So that's my plan today. Keep busy doing stuff around the house. Reminding myself that I am a possibilitarian and I need to see the possibilities because they are always there.

Sleep deprived and skinny(er)

I'M SO TIREDDDDDDDDDDDD! A good night's sleep is hard to come by now a days. Between the meds, the stress, and general wackiness I am not sleeping well at all. Going to sleep is no problem it's the staying asleep that's the battle. But I must say, I make sleepy look good. Over the past month and a half I've lost 10 pounds! I think the trouble working up an appetite I was dealing with earlier kick started the whole thing, but the rest has been from exercise and eating healthier! I feel pretty good about it. I was able to buy jeans in a size smaller than I'd been wearing, and people have commented that I look thinner. I'm hoping to keep this pattern going and get down and into my "skinny jeans." I'd say another 20-30 pounds would be a good goal. I really love cycling so that will help. Just need to get back into Zumba when pilates is over. Also keeping up with watching what I eat. I got my eyes on some seriously cute outfits for spring that would look just that much better in a smaller size. Plus I know it will help me feel good; mentally and physically. Okay. Enough for today. I gotta get in the shower and get to bed. Here's hoping the melatonin doesn't make me feel weird and helps me sleep through the night! 

Whoops!

So I got my days mixed up when I double blogged yesterday. I was supposed to be blogging about fashion yesterday. I don't know how well I like this topical routine thingy. I might just rather blog about whatever I want to blog about at the time. A la personal journal/blog. But for now I'll stick to fashion, because that is what I would like to write about tonight in sort of a round-a-bout way.
I am so looking forward to spring. Spring means so many things for me that I am excited about. First of all no more coldness which is awesome. I hate winter and I am ready for warm sunny days, more sunlight, thunderstorms, and way less snow. Spring also means that much closer to this school year being over-which is good and bad. Good because this has been a ROUGH year and I am DONE, but bad because I may have to face the same challenges I faced last spring with budget cuts and possible non-renewal. But at least either way I would know. And knowing is always good. It could mean changes for the better. Warmer weather would also mean I could bust out my sun dresses and flip flops. No more movement restricting coats. Frolicking outside in my cute spring gear. Shopping for NEW cute spring gear. Maybe losing a few more lbs between now and then and getting some smaller sizes!
I'm continuing everyday to look for the possibilities and for me right now spring symbolizes possibilities. Possibilities for professional changes that could make me happier in my personal life. Because right now personal life is fan-freakin-tastic, except when professional life stresses me out to the point I'm having anxiety and not enjoying personal life. But isn't that the way it always goes. One area of you life is great while the other falls to shit. And really which is more important, a happy personal life or a happy professional life. I think I'd rather have a great family, boyfriend, and be generally content and have a crappy work life than the other way around. And honestly work could be a lot worse than what it is. I'm also looking forward to the possibilities of getting back to where I was in December. Being able to enjoy my life and handle challenges without the help of medication. I'm hoping this is just a little hiccup and once I get over this hump I will have moved on a better person from the lessons learned and everything will go back to normal. Nothing to do now, but wait for spring.

Double Blog

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was sorta busy so I didn't get around to blogging. So today I'm doing a double blog to make up for it. Yesterday was supposed to be food day and today is relationships so I'm going to combine both to talk about how wonderful my Valentine's Day was! Brian did an absolutely amazing job! When I got home from work I walked into the door to a beautiful vase full of purple flowers, a totally kick ass present, and a surprise dessert waiting in the fridge. We exchanged gifts; I got him a new pair of basketball shorts, a key chain, and some candy. He got me a totally awesome TGS hoodie (I'm a big 30 Rock fan) with a Liz Lemon quote on the back and some wine gums. We hung out at the house for a bit then headed to KC for the Fork and Screen showing of No Strings attached. It was awesome! The movie was great, Brian was great. When we got home I was sooo tired but it was time for my surprise dessert! Brian had taken the time to make these really cute mini heart shaped cheesecakes that he dyed pink. We only had a few bites because we were so stuffed and sleepy. All in all it was a fantastic Valentine's Day.
Today was a pretty good day. For the most part my kids behaved all right and it was a fairly stress free Tuesday. I did have a moment where I got a little down thinking about being on Lexapro. I have been feeling so great lately, and I'm really starting to feel like I did before this whole anxiety thing started. I was really enjoying it. But every now and then I remember the medication and it makes me feel like it's all fake. Like I'm not really this happy, it's the medication. I know that's not true. I know the medicine is just helping, not doing all the work. I went to cycling after work-which was kind of a hard work out. I don't know if it was that I hadn't been keeping up with my exercise the last few days or that I was tired, but it kicked my ass! Then Brian and I came home and fixed dinner and had some quality time. Now I'm watching Glee and contemplating cleaning up the dinner mess, taking a shower, and going to bed.
I"m still hoping this blog will eventually turn into something more than me narrating what is currently going on in my life. I hope to write about more interesting things and be more entertaining with my writing. I look to the things I'm reading on other blogs as inspiration for what to write about. For now this blog is just for me and I'm not too worried about what others will find interesting. I will get to that point eventually. Right now just taking it one day at a time, one thing at a time.

Stressing

So today's post is supposed to be about something funny, but I am finding it difficult to be funny and think funny right now. I'm home sick with possible strep throat. Going to the doctor today to get checked. I was up at 4 (again) and feeling pretty crappy. Decided I wouldn't be going in today, and since I was already up went ahead and started on sub plans. Got those typed up, put in for an absence, and dozed a bit on the couch until Brian got up. I drove into school to make copies and get my stuff set out, and then came back to the cozy couch. I've been checking the sub website since I created the absence and no one has taken my job yet! I hate having to be gone from work for this very reason. All you do is worry! Worry about if sub plans are good enough. Worry about if the kids are behaving. Worry about someone taking your sub job! Ughhhhhhhh! I texted a co-worker that teaches title reading to see if she would watch my class if I don't get a sub. She sometimes does that when we have a teacher without a sub. She gladly accepted, but I'm still worried. And that is exactly what I'm supposed to NOT do! I've just started making progress getting over this anxiety and I'm going to work myself into a fit. Fan-freakin-tastic. I'm going to check the sub site again. Nope. Still nothing. Oh well. SOMEONE will watch my class. It will be fine. It does not mean I am a bad teacher/person/employee. Chill out.
    So something funny.....well it's Thursday. That is the night my favorites shows are on NBC. Especially 30 Rock. Big Tina Fey fan. So here's a link to one of my favorite 30 Rock/Liz Lemon moments. Cracks me up everytime:
 Liz Lemon breakin it down for Dr. Spaceman

Oh Liz...I love you!

okay, so...here we go.

     I guess I should start with why I'm doing this. I'm doing this for me. Because I need something for me. At least that's what my therapist says, and I think she's right. Because right now I do very little for just me. And I guess that's how I got here. In this spot. With this anxiety. Though it's getting better. And this will help. I hope.
    My plan is to take some time every day to write in this blog for just me. About things that are important to me. That make me feel good. And eventually someday share it. The only thing is I can't worry about if people will like it or laugh at it or think it's good. That's part of the rules. Because that's part of the problem. Too much worrying about approval. And this is mine. So it doesn't matter.
   I've decided on a bit of a schedule to help me start out. Since I've never done this before. Everyday will focus on something different that is important to me or that I enjoy. On Mondays it will be food and cooking. Tuesdays will be fashion and shopping. Wednesdays will be about my relationships with friends, family, etc. Thursdays I will try to share something funny. Fridays will be about something inspirational. I'm sure at some points things will blend and overlap, but that's okay too.
    So. Since it's Wednesday I guess I should do relationships. For this Wednesday I'd like to talk about my relationship with myself. Particularly, with myself tonight.
  I was supposed to got to Pilates tonight at 6:30 and I didn't. I have a sore throat and feel like I am getting sick. Plus I am still sore from Monday. In the past I have blown off exercise for something more pleasant without a second thought. But for some reason now I feel really guilty. I think it's because over this past month with the recent anxiety struggles I've some how gotten it in my head about what I "should" be doing in order to get better. I know exercise helps with anxiety so that is one of my "should do" things. It's a form of self-care I'm "supposed" to be indulging in. But...like I said. I don't feel well. It's warm and cozy at home. And Brian (boyfriend) and I were making bierocks. Plus I'm not that wild about pilates. So I kinda started beating myself up about it. But then I thought more about what self-care is and what that means. It means taking care of yourself. And exercise isn't the only way to do that. I'm starting to feel sick. I should take care of myself. Brian and I don't get to cook much together anymore and I enjoy doing that. I would be caring for myself by indulging in something I enjoy. So just because I didn't go to pilates doesn't mean I'm not caring for myself. But it sure did make me aware of the whole what I "should" be doing mentality Kim (therapist) has been talking to me about. What I guess I'm trying to say is I learned something about myself: I do create images/thoughts in my head of what I "should" do/be/ and self-care choice is not something I should be so critical of.
  So there's my thoughts for today. I don't know if what I wrote is very good or if anyone would enjoy reading it, but like I said, it doesn't matter. It's for me. I'm sure my writing will get more interesting and more developed as I go, but for now this is good enough. I'm supposed to be looking for the possibilities, and right now I see possibilities for this blog. I can see how taking time everyday to write something for myself alone I can and will get through this.