I guess I should start with why I'm doing this. I'm doing this for me. Because I need something for me. At least that's what my therapist says, and I think she's right. Because right now I do very little for just me. And I guess that's how I got here. In this spot. With this anxiety. Though it's getting better. And this will help. I hope.
My plan is to take some time every day to write in this blog for just me. About things that are important to me. That make me feel good. And eventually someday share it. The only thing is I can't worry about if people will like it or laugh at it or think it's good. That's part of the rules. Because that's part of the problem. Too much worrying about approval. And this is mine. So it doesn't matter.
I've decided on a bit of a schedule to help me start out. Since I've never done this before. Everyday will focus on something different that is important to me or that I enjoy. On Mondays it will be food and cooking. Tuesdays will be fashion and shopping. Wednesdays will be about my relationships with friends, family, etc. Thursdays I will try to share something funny. Fridays will be about something inspirational. I'm sure at some points things will blend and overlap, but that's okay too.
So. Since it's Wednesday I guess I should do relationships. For this Wednesday I'd like to talk about my relationship with myself. Particularly, with myself tonight.
I was supposed to got to Pilates tonight at 6:30 and I didn't. I have a sore throat and feel like I am getting sick. Plus I am still sore from Monday. In the past I have blown off exercise for something more pleasant without a second thought. But for some reason now I feel really guilty. I think it's because over this past month with the recent anxiety struggles I've some how gotten it in my head about what I "should" be doing in order to get better. I know exercise helps with anxiety so that is one of my "should do" things. It's a form of self-care I'm "supposed" to be indulging in. But...like I said. I don't feel well. It's warm and cozy at home. And Brian (boyfriend) and I were making bierocks. Plus I'm not that wild about pilates. So I kinda started beating myself up about it. But then I thought more about what self-care is and what that means. It means taking care of yourself. And exercise isn't the only way to do that. I'm starting to feel sick. I should take care of myself. Brian and I don't get to cook much together anymore and I enjoy doing that. I would be caring for myself by indulging in something I enjoy. So just because I didn't go to pilates doesn't mean I'm not caring for myself. But it sure did make me aware of the whole what I "should" be doing mentality Kim (therapist) has been talking to me about. What I guess I'm trying to say is I learned something about myself: I do create images/thoughts in my head of what I "should" do/be/ and self-care choice is not something I should be so critical of.
So there's my thoughts for today. I don't know if what I wrote is very good or if anyone would enjoy reading it, but like I said, it doesn't matter. It's for me. I'm sure my writing will get more interesting and more developed as I go, but for now this is good enough. I'm supposed to be looking for the possibilities, and right now I see possibilities for this blog. I can see how taking time everyday to write something for myself alone I can and will get through this.
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